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This
article appeared in the March 3, 2006 Issue of Just Out.
For
the Love of Life
Gay author reveals the secrets to reigniting your Spark!
by Jim Radosta
Doug Mendenhall has worn plenty of hats through the years: mortgage broker,
investor, entrepreneur, business executive at a global consulting firm,
CEO of a wireless networking company.
Pretty impressive
résumé. But his latest project is the most remarkable: Mendenhall
has unlocked the key to happiness.
The 40-year-old
father of two—who lives in Portland with his partner, Q Center board
co-chairman Tim Healea—took some time out of his busy schedule to
discuss his new book, Spark! 10 Secrets to Living a Life You Love
(Spirit Press, 2005; $16.95 softcover).
Jim Radosta:
What inspired you to write the book?
Doug Mendenhall:
I’ve always noticed…how few people that I passed on the streets
actually looked like they were alive and were enjoying their life. They
didn’t have spark. And then every so often I’d pass somebody
who had spark, and I thought, “I wonder what they know that all these
people don’t know?”
I was really
intrigued with the idea: “Does spark require newness? Do you have
to leave a relationship and go to another relationship to have spark?
Do you have to leave a city and go to another city to have spark? Do you
have to leave a job and go to another job to get that spark going?”
In my research,
I ended up interviewing 120 people all over the world that were referred
to me…the assistant prime minister of Thailand…Bill Gates Sr.,
the father of Bill Gates…the head of an orphanage in Mexico, the
head of an improv group in Spain, an actor in New York City, a LifeFlight
pilot out of Florida, the head of Earth University in Costa Rica—just
all walks, all different types of people—and came up with what I
call “10 secrets to living a life you love.”
If there’s
an overriding theme, what I noticed was that the secret was more around
who you were being than what you were doing. Most people live the other
way around…. When you’re being who you want to be, everything
you’re doing is alive.
JR: Did you find that a lot of people had a common reason why they
lost the spark from their childhood?
DM:
What I found in general was that most people lost their spark between
sixth and eighth grade…. That’s about the age people start worrying
about what other people think, and when you start guiding your life based
around what other people think, you stop generating yourself in a way
that gives you spark, and you’re more reacting to life as opposed
to living life. That’s when people start slowly resigning to this
life that’s less than what they want to create.
JR: Do you think those teen-age years have an added impact on gay people
because that’s when they’re discovering their sexuality?
DM:
You know, it’s funny. I came out about five years ago. I was married,
and I was in a great relationship. And when I came out and I started getting
more involved in the gay community, I remember thinking, “Wow, this
group of people as a whole is really hurting.” There’s a lot
of pain around being ostracized.
So many people
spend their whole life trying to prove they’re special and different
and at the same time prove that they belong and they’re normal, and
it’s kind of a funny paradox. I see that a lot in the gay community,
but I think it’s not unique to the gay community.
JR: Of the 10 secrets, is there one that is more of a challenge than
the others?
DM:
Discipline. People with spark…have a sense of how to keep themselves
on task.
For example, one of the things that is so critical…is having a real
sense of who you want to be in the world. But then keeping that alive
is where discipline comes into effect. It’s easy to define who you
want to be in the world; it’s more of a challenge to be that person
when you’re in an argument or when you’re in a conflict…because
if you’re more committed to being right than you are to being who
you want to be, then you really don’t create spark in your life.
JR: Isn’t this process especially difficult for Americans burdened
by a 40-hour work week, or is it possible with some deliberate effort?
DM:
The thing that I like about the concepts in the book is it really has
nothing to do with circumstance…. Anybody has the ability to retweak
themselves to start approaching any circumstance with a different view
or frame, if you will.
The magic
is who you’re being, which is really all about the way you view life.
And when you’re being a certain way, you view the same life completely
differently.
I don’t
think something that requires people to go out and do monstrous change
and big, gigantic steps is ever going to have an impact, because people
just won’t do it…. All people have to take on is who they’re
being, which everybody has complete control over. And I’m convinced
it works.
To order
a copy of Spark! 10 Secrets to Living a Life You Love visit www.getspark.net.
Arts and
Culture Editor JIM RADOSTA needs your feedback. Write to jim@justout.com.
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